Lumpy Chromble meets a Christmas Glazed Ham
by bittersweetcutie
Summary: oh fuck yum
1. Chapter 1

chrom gazed at the man on the ground. he looked like a fine young ham, tender and ripe for the picking, if hams were humanoid in shape, wore clothes, and were found face down in the middle of a field. chrom hadn't had a ham like this in a long time.

"i choose... this one," he says to the girl that he thinks is his sister. he's not entirely sure because her hair is the color of really yellow pee, and his is blue like pee that is blue. he crouches down and slaps the young ham in the face.

the young ham wakes up. "do that again," the ham says. chrom thinks that's kind of weird so he doesn't. he's not into stuff like that. he thinks about abandoning the ham right then and there because it's so weird, but he's hungry so he doesn't.

"i'm chrom," chrom says. he points at his pee colored sister. "that's lissa. and the guy with poop colored hair is frederick."

"milord how many times have i asked you to not introduce me to people like that" frederick gripes but he is powerless against chrom's wills. chrom does as he pleases

the young ham looks at lissa and frederick. at the same time. one eye is looking at lissa and the other is looking at frederick. it's kind of hot, chrom thinks. this is a very sexy ham. he will fornicate with it.

"how do you feel about sausage?" chrom asks the ham.

"what's a sausage. by the way i just remembered my name. it's robin."

what a nice name for a ham. or would it be a chicken now?

chrom starts to struggle out of his royal onesie. "i'll show you a sausage," he says, getting frustrated the more he has to deal with his shitty outfit. he's worn the onesie since he was a baby but he never quite figured out how to get out of it. yeah the outfit grew with him. sometimes it hisses at him and it's scary but it's the only pair of clothes he owns.

lissa and frederick just awkwardly stand there while chrom curses at his clothing choices.

"i know what a sausage is chrom you don't have to go through all this for me. it's joke," robin says but chrom is determined to get out of his onesie.

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX" chrom shouts and robin is like oh ok :D

probably around twenty minutes later chrom manages to get his dick out. robin looks at it and goes :/

"do you like it?" google chrom asks.

"not particularly."

"damn. but we can still fuck right?"

"i guess"

meanwhile lissa starts screaming about being chased by a bunch of bees. frederick just watches. he is no match for bees.

"ok i am going to put it in now," chrom narrates to robin. so he does. robin just lays there like a dead fish that was left in the sun too long so it was starting to rot and waits for it to be over. he tries to think about what he was doing before he met chrom but draws a blank. lissa is still screaming in the background.

five seconds later, chrombo finishes. "so did i like totally rock your world or what?" he sounds completely winded, like a bagpipe with no air in it.

robin starts to cry. chrom feels awkward now because this is not how he wanted to spend his post coital bliss, and also robin looks kind of ugly when he cries.

"you bastard," robin sobs. "you got me pregnant!"

everyone goes :O


	2. Chapter 2

chrom is the first to speak. "i am... i am going to be... father," he sobs, but it is a happy sob and not a sad gay one because chrom is not gay and he always wanted to be a daddy! babies are cute, they look like tiny shriveled old men. chrom can't wait to have his own tiny shriveled old man.

he helps robin onto his feet. "come," chrom says. "let us return home. since you are having my spawn it only makes sense for you to live with us now. he'll be riding with you frederick."

frederick's cool black and red horse named edgescar barks.

they set off home. in the distance a town spontaniously combusts. chrom looks back and squints his eyes at it but then shrugs his shoulders, he doesn't really care about them. they are not having his tiny shriveled old man. the others are blissfully unaware of it like a used tissue on the floor.

soon enough they reach the castle.

"welcome to my sex dungeon" chrom husks in a buff voice and robin faints and falls off of edgescar because chrom is so manly and robin is like a woman and fainting is what women do

the townspeople look at chrom's onesie-less body and robin's lack of pants and shoot judgemental lasers from their eyes. chrom deflects the lasers with his pecs and they fly back and kill the townspeople. they explode into little, but not too little chunks. the chunks were just the right size. goodbye townspeople.

after hoisting an unconscious robin over his shoulder the group continues on their way.

once inside chrom drops robin who hits the floor like shawty who got them apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur

"hey emm check this out i knocked some bitch up" chrom calls. emmerynnnyn crab walks over to him and gives him a high five with one of her claws


End file.
